I feel lost and broken

It’s been longer than I would have liked to actually get started on this project. Many times I would think to myself “I should make a post,” only to just move along with another preoccupation. That seems to be a theme with me. It turns out there’s a reason for it - a real one. I was diagnosed with ADHD last month… my psychiatrist tells me I’m absolutely someone who meets that criteria, despite so many other mental health professionals telling me it’s impossible given how much I’ve achieved in life, or that it doesn’t make a difference now if I am or not, or that it’s really just anxiety, depression, and PTSD.

Well, sounds like I’ve been getting a line of bull from providers for pretty much my entire life… because I’ve asked about this several times before and was usually rebuffed or told I was imagining things. I’ve always known that there was something “off” about me- my poor organization skills, my masterful organization skills, my inability to keep commitments, perceived laziness, unable to accept criticism or praise, difficulty focusing or focusing so hard that nothing else exists. There’s a lot more, but that’s just the 40,000ft perspective.

It would also seem that I am almost certainly on the autism spectrum. The doc tells me that he’s not fully qualified to make an official diagnosis, but he can see that I definitely check off a lot of boxes. I’m in the process of seeking out a neuropsychologist now that is willing to make an adult diagnosis. If you weren’t aware, adult diagnosis is evidently difficult because of the remarkable ability of our minds to adapt and mask certain traits or behaviors that make diagnosis difficult.

On top of all that, I still suffer from anxiety, PTSD, and now I also have bipolar depression (not the boring, regular type). I’m on new medication. It makes me tired. It makes me sad. I feel lost and adrift. My therapist isn’t really theraputic for me anymore… no knock on him, he’s a great guy… I just don’t feel like I am making progress now. I guess it’s time for a change.

I snap at my family. I’m withdrawn and I hide in my room. I don’t want to see people, but I’m desperate for contact at the same time. All of this is causing me a lot of stress. I wake up and the stress levels my watch records immediately jump into the unhealthy range… hopefully the beta blocker I’ve been prescribed can help with that.

But… I just feel broken inside. I have no joy, then I suddenly get a small burst of inspiration… then it’s gone again. I see flashes of what could be, but then the fog of uncertainty and doubt creeps back in. I’m like a sailing ship adrift in the doldrums… no wind in my sails, and no outboard motor or currents to navigate through. My days basically run together, and I only know what day it is based on the kids’ school schedules or if I have a band or orchestra rehearsal. Yeah, even music isn’t helping me lately, but I’m sticking with it because there are people in those ensembles that count on me to be there. I’m skipping orchestra tonight because I’m just so tired, and I have zero patience for musicians who clearly do their practicing in rehearsals.

I wish I could find a way out of this, but it looks like I’m stuck in this kind of limbo for a while. I hope something happens soon, or I see a ripple on the horizon to point my bow at. For now… I’m just lost and broken.