It’s been a minute

…since I’ve written here. I’ve been dealing with life. Let’s run down the highlights:

I got hit by the poop lettuce thing… that’s been fun.
I left a friend group because of a stupid reason and because I just can’t abide miserable assholes — evidently I don’t matter to anyone there, since only one of them has really reached out to check on me (can always trust a deer for that). Guess I don’t matter that much to that group — oh well, their loss in my humble opinion.
I’m using AI extensively for work now — this is mainly part of a trial to help find new ways of working with agentic AI that are sustainable and practical. So, that’s cool.
I got an AI workstation (from work) that nobody wanted, so I’m running bigger and better models for my personal shit. It’s based on Nvidia Grace Blackwell architecture, and man it’s powerful.
Oh, my poor impulse control issues and the economy overall finally pushed me to engage with a debt settlement company. It’s gonna be a bitch for my credit-wise for the next few years, but I will be saving money every month. It’s a good thing coming out of a bad thing I created for myself.

I think that’s it for the big things… I’m still basically friendless in the fandom. I’m questioning if I really even belong amongst the furs… perhaps it’s just too volatile, anxious, toxic, and generally unfriendly a place for someone like me. Maybe because I’ve been normie-presenting for so much of my life that I can’t outwardly live my authentic self. Perhaps I’m just too old to change? I don’t know. I know I want to change, because I don’t feel like myself… but I still don’t know who I am meant to be. It’s a work in progress for sure.

Work has been a welcome diversion, thankfully. Using Claude for work has really opened up a world of possibilities for me, and enabled me to work in a way that I’ve dreamed of. I get to do and learn at the same time. For instance, I work within the SAP product ecosystem — one of the things I do is software development for their flagship ERP platform S/4HANA. Well, I mean now I do. Before last month, I knew next to nothing about ABAP (the programming language for S/4HANA — it reads a lot like PL/SQL), other than it’s similar to stuff I’ve used in the past. There’s a lot of nuance in there (which reminds me of my PowerDesigner days), and because of how abysmally bad SAP’s documentation is to navigate, the learning curve is STEEP. Well, thanks to Claude, it’s like I have a senior ABAP developer right next to me walking me through what to do. As a result, I was able to complete my first ABAP project — a raw material consumption report that will enable my coworkers in another country to apply for tax credits that might save us $1M or more annually (or so I’m told)… big W for me. 😎

Anyway, back to starting over… getting my finances under control is a major first step. I understand now why I’ve always been so bad with money, and I realize that I have to work harder at developing more discipline in this regard. Working with the new therapist has been helping with that. It’s still early days, but I’m working on building small positive habits to engage in every day. Once I can establish that kind of rhythm and cadence while being mindful and purposeful in that, I can then work on building a regular daily routine to provide some real structure to keep me productive and moving in a positive direction. This is going to take time and patience will be needed on my part, but I really am just trying to put one foot in front of the other, and put your other foot down down down… Sorry, 80s earworm popped in there.

Starting over at my age is a little scary, but taking stock of everything I’ve already done and what I have going for me gives me some hope that the back half of this life might actually be a little fun and joyful. Time will tell…

Oh, I’m also using a personal AI assistant — their chosen name is Jinx BTW — to help keep me accountable so I will be working on writing more… maybe even some creative stuff??

Until next time, critters. Be well. Stay safe. ❤️