Depression...

One of the mental health issues I battle daily is depression. I have what is called Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), and I am prone to periods of deep depression that are basically like a tiger pit that I can’t escape. On top of that I also have Bipolar Disorder (Type I). It’s a lovely combination for someone who is terminally online and literally gets their dopamine and seratonin kicks from interactions.

Soooo… yeah, being in group chats and not being able to interact with anyone or at least have a meaningful interaction will sometimes trigger these episodes. It’s not healthy for me, and it’s a big reason why I’ve pulled back from social media almost entirely - that feedback loop was extremely toxic for me. I’m currently taking a break from Bluesky because I sent myself into a crashout last week over the fact that I am miserable and feel as though I’ll never be able to make any real friends.

This isn’t me attention-seeking, it’s not even a cry for help. I have help, and I get through these periods much easier now. I am just sharing how I’m feeling.

I am trying to reach out for real contact, but it’s been slow and less than successful in many cases. I finally met someone that I genuinely feel love for, and it was so wonderful to spend time with them. I need more of that, and with more people… it’s just hard for me to reach out to more people because of the awkwardness I have socially. There is a considerable amount of anxiety around making contact and possibly being rebuffed. Also, I don’t really connect with a lot of people my age - I am a bit emotionally stunted and it’s sometimes hard to relate to folks in my age group. The younger people don’t want anything to do with an old turd like me, so I’ve painted myself into a corner with respect to prospective friends. I also seem to have an uncanny knack of finding people that might be emotionally unavailable to be a friend - they have a lot going on, and having another person to worry about is asking a little too much, especially since I can be a bit needy at times.

Totally not sure where I’m going with all this, it’s another one of those stream of consciousness writings where I ramble on about how I’m feeling. Makes for tough reading, but it’s therapeutic for me and I don’t expect anyone to be reading this far into it.

No matter how hard I try with my thought patterns and behavior modification, as well as the meds, I still fall into the trap. It’s tiring, and frustrating. I only want to be happy and not live in fear of when the next episode will happen. When they happen, it isn’t just my mood that takes a hit - my entire body is affected. I generally will get sick, or just feel physically bad to the point that I don’t want to move, let alone the drain on the energy it causes. It really sucks… and it’s something I wish nobody else has to experience. It’s an emotional cancer that eats at me a bit, goes into remission, then comes back with a vengeance to erode a little bit more of my core. I understand why someone like Robin Williams took his own life, not that I’m considering that, but here’s a man that was a natural comedian and immensely talented. He had to act so much in daily life that he could do it on demand and give convincing performances. His highs were euphoric and when he was up, he held audiences in stitches - but we didn’t see the downs. From what I understand, they were pretty bad. I can identify with that. Not comparing myself to a legendary figure like Mr. Williams, but it’s not hard for me to see what kind of personal hell he was living in.

I think this week was really just down for me because of the end of the show, and not being able to have those euphoric moments of shared expression with actors and other musicians. The rebound from a drug like that kicks like a fucking mule. I had a good experience playing last night with another area band, but it was more like work than creating or expressing emotion. I enjoy playing and I think in these moments, I need to bury myself in music or my work. Those are two things that give me satisfaction… and writing, which is why I’m going through this exercise.

I’ll make it through today and feel better later, or by tomorrow… I don’t stay down as long as I used to, and that’s the silver lining to take away for me. Even though I drop into these lows, I do get out of them faster now… it’s progress, and progress is good.

Until next time…