I need to apologize…

… to those who came here to read my rantings, I am sorry that I haven’t kept up with it. I have kind of been on a downward spiral the last three months. My motivation and creativity has slowly evaporated, thus I haven’t felt the urge to yap about whatever sticks in my craw. Hopefully, I will get out of this funk soon and start creating content on a more consistent basis.

… to my friends and those who follow my Bluesky, I apologize for my emotional state the last three months. The truth is that while you are all so dear to me, and I appreciate the friendship and community I have with you - I still feel completely alone in the world. I live every day isolated from my family for most of the time, and when we are together, it just isn’t filling the void inside me. Talking with you all is really the only social interaction I have outside of connecting with colleagues for work. I am sorry for my erratic moods and out of character remarks. I hope that I haven’t put anyone out because of this, and if so… I sincerely apologize. You all mean more to me than you know, and being away is killing me.

I wish I could honestly say why I’ve been like this over the last three months… perhaps it’s because I am struggling with my identity. I don’t know who I am, and finding that out has been fruitless. Perhaps it’s the feeling that I’ll never find deep connection with anyone else. Maybe it’s the feeling of failure from trying to reach out, but not having my interest reciprocated (RSD is so bad for me). Maybe it’s the financial drain I have created for myself struggling to maintain a standard of living for my family that is untenable in the current economy.

There’s so much inside me that is causing pain. The pain isn’t just emotional anymore, it’s manifesting physically. I’ve even had suicidal thoughts over the last couple of weeks - which is why I had to back away a bit. Nobody should have to see me like this, so best to cut myself off to prevent that from happening. My psychiatrist doesn’t think my medications need adusting, and my current therapist has been unhelpful with helping me get out of this. I am meeting a new therapist in a few days, perhaps a fresh perspective is what I need.

I want to stress that I am not in danger of harming myself or others… but I have had thoughts of ending my subscription to living this week. Mainly so I wouldn’t be in pain anymore. I hope that nobody reading this has ever felt this kind of pain - because I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. It has been said to me many times over the course of my life that I “have the patience of Job.” Well, I’m starting to see it. No matter what life has thrown at me, I’ve always faced it down and moved forward. I have survived a lot, and I think I’ll survive this - probably alone and by my own persistence, but I will.

It just sucks being alone and feeling like nobody wants me… and me not wanting those I care about to see me hurt. I’m a complicated creature.

Until the next time, I hope that you are well and have a lovely day.