My struggle...

I’m struggling. I think I have been all of my life.

I have done things that many people could only dream of, and yet… in my moments of triumph, instances of glory, times of happiness… there’s always been an emptiness. It’s there, just on the edges of perception most of the time. In those moments of joy, it distorts the experience for me just enough that I look over my shoulder and can see it (figuratively, of course). It’s always there… watching, waiting for the moment when I’m alone with my thoughts and then it envelops me. Like Jonah in the belly of the whale.

Let me paint you a picture - in one of my last years as an undergrad and active in my fraternity chapter, we won a huge honor. I know that I was a part of making that happen and was so proud of my brothers for the work that we all did to get this kind of recognition… but, all it took was a little criticism from someone… and the emptiness was there tugging at the edges of this happy moment. The joy was sucked out of it, and I was instantly reminded of my failures in the brotherhood, and that I made a few major bungles in the past. An hour or so later, in the hotel lobby as we were all returning from the reception… I completely lost my shit. Total emotional meltdown, in front of hundreds of brothers. My big brother (an alumni at this point) dragged me out of the lobby and made me change out of my tux… then he dragged me out for a walk. I explained everything to him and he brought me back down to level flight.

That’s just one moment. I’m going to be 48 in two months’ time. I have a lifetime of these…

How is this relevant to how I’m feeling now? Well, I’m almost 48 and I’ve had (by many accounts) a pretty successful life, all things considered. I’ve overcome obstacles most people with my “issues” could never get past. I survived a great deal of traumas in my early life, and still somehow managed to be a semi-functional adult. I lived 47 years with autism and ADHD undiagnosed - but still earned two university degrees. I’ve had a couple of successful careers. I’ve been happily married for 23 years and have two kids. Pretty good stuff, right? Not to me… I feel like none of it amounts to anything.

Maybe it’s because I lived my life until last year in an identity that no longer fit - and I came out. That caused some shit to get stirred up, a few months of marital strife and a total burnout on my part that lasted half the year. I’m now on the other side of it and I’m happy… but I’m not.

The emptiness is there… tugging at the background again.

My struggle now is that I’m trying to find a partner… I’m pretty sure that I am unlovable because no matter how much love I put out in the world… I can’t seem to accept it back, no matter how badly I want it. I also can’t make myself reach out and just let someone know that I’d like to get to know them better, with the hope that we make a connection. I’m a coward. I just want to be held by someone and know that they desire having me close. I want to feel passion and not have it tainted by my insecurities and the ever-present emptiness. I want to let go and be happy without a care in the world - but I can’t.

Because the emptiness won’t let me.

I am glad for all that I’ve done in life and hopeful for what I have yet to do… but at the same time, I have to wonder: is any of it is worth doing just to feel this emptiness all of the time? I want to be fully content and happy, but I don’t think my mind will let me. For all the work I’ve done to monitor my thoughts and the continued efforts to capture them before they turn into feelings - I still can’t shake it. It’s like a bad penny.

All I want is to feel loved and desired by someone else, and not have this empty feeling sucking all of the joy from it. I love my wife, and I know that she loves me - and is accepting that I am going to probably have partners that will help me have those things that are now missing in our marriage. Our love is different now, and it’s kind of like an old, comfortable pair of shoes. We’re a family. I just have needs and desires that can’t be met at home. I want someone that will make me feel loved and desired again… but this time, I want it without the emptiness.

I just don’t know how to shake it.

Because of that, I believe that maybe what I want isn’t possible. I can’t allow someone to get close to me just to see me implode like this because I had a bad moment or an intrusive thought that caused my emotional house of cards to fall apart. It’s not fair to the other person. I am also demi, so I have to have an emotional connection with someone in order to be intimate. You can see my dilemma, right? I’m too damaged to be loved by anyone… and that’s maybe why I should probably give up on anything more than just having friends… not even close friends, because I can’t let people get too close to this piping hot mess.

Maybe this is my penance for living a lie for most of my life.

Maybe the price of me living authentically is that I have to give up the things I want most.

Maybe I’m just meant for this existence (because this ain’t living), no matter how hard I work for something better.

I honestly don’t know anymore, but tomorrow is a new day. I’ll continue to be a kind, warm, and loving presence in the world… even if I feel like I’m dying on the inside. Perhaps the universe will reward me someday for enduring this struggle, but for now it’s take each day as it comes. That’s all any of us can really do.